and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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