i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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