Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
