Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
