I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
