everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
