he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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