You're completely useless in the revolution.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
