I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
