I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
