Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Mom said you looked used
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
