i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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