Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
