I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
