I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
