I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
