i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
