She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
