i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
