What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
