I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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