Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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