you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
