My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
