Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
