3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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