Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
