Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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