even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
