how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
