Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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