I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
