Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
