Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
