Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
