i already hear my dad disowning me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
