just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
