i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
