Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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