I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
