Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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