Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
