then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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