I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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