yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
