I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
