Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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