I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
