Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
