My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
