All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
