im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
