Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
