did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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