i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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